The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.