Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"