According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.