Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.