What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
