What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.