Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.