How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.