What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.