A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.