On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
