I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!