I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
