I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.