I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!