One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.