How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.