The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.