What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".