One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.