My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.