How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!