Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.