Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
