Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.