When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.