When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.