What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.