How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Knock knock.
Come in.
You know what they say? Words.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes