Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Knock knock.
Come in.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?