A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
You know what they say? Words.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
