How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.