Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
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