If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
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