"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.