I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
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