When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.