A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.