For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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