This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.