“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.