Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"