If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.