Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.