Funny One-Liners

Smart and funny one liners

Funny One-Liners

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.