How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!