What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.