"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.