How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.