“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.