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Thinks Jokes

Drum Puns
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Brain Puns
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Funny Money Quotes
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Gnome Puns
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Weather Puns
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Seal Puns
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Plant Puns
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Jokes For Women
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
The Surprise Gift
It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift. Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life. Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you some lovin'!" The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".
Friendship Quotes
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Funny Parenting Quotes
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”

- Judd Apatow.
Spice Puns
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Funny Animal Quotes
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
St. Peter and the Politicians
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven When a group of politicians walked up. "Hey Petey, may we come in too Heaven?" asks one jovially. St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had a group of politicians come in to heaven before, let me ask God." He then turns around and goes to consult God. "My lord, there is a group of politicians at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?" God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had politicians in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in." St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later. "THEY'RE GONE!" He said. "The politicians?" "THE PEARLY GATES!!"
Classic Pick Up Lines
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
Mango Puns
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”