The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.