A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!