Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.