Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.