My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Whale, hello there.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Are you squiding me right now?
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.