What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Salty but sweet.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
The ocean made me salty.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.