I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."