I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.