The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.