How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.