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Except Jokes

Funny Work Quotes
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Garden Quotes
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Funny Animal Quotes
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”

- Samuel Butler..
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Funny Health Quotes
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
Tableware Puns
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Funny Money Quotes
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Funny Aging Quotes
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
Nuts Puns
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Little Johnny and the New Baby
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.  It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Meat Puns
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.