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Except Jokes

Funny Health Quotes
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
Tableware Puns
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Garden Quotes
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Funny Work Quotes
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Funny Animal Quotes
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”

- Samuel Butler..
Nuts Puns
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Little Johnny and the New Baby
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.  It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Meat Puns
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Funny Aging Quotes
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
Funny Money Quotes
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke