How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!