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Twice Jokes

Lightning Puns
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Funny Work Quotes
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Chuck Norris Jokes
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Marriage Puns
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Coffee Shop Pick Up Lines
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
Classic Pick Up Lines
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
Sorry Pick Up Lines
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
Jokes For Women
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner
A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day. "Do you have ice coffee?" "No sir. We don't." Says the owner. "Ok then." says the drunken man. Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again. "No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner. "Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off. 20 minutes later he comes again. "Do you have ice coffee?" "Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee." "Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits. This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires. "Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile. "Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"
Ski Puns
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Funny Animal Quotes
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Penguin Puns
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
The Angry Woman and the Walmart Greeter
An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path. The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." "Shut the F up." Grunts the woman. Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."
Funny Money Quotes
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
Arm Puns
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.