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Sitting Jokes

A Less-Than-Perfect Plan
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
Computer Puns
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Spouse Puns
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Yard Puns
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Monster Puns
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Funny Work Quotes
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
Funny Animal Quotes
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Christian Pick Up Lines
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
Witch Puns
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
The Naughty Baby
A woman is riding the bus while trying to breastfeed her baby. The baby, however, isn't interested. After several tries, the mother is quite angry. "Drink the milk or I'll give it all to the man sitting at the back!" she says. The baby is still playing around. A few minutes later she tries again, "drink the milk or I'll really give it all to the man at the back, and you'll go hungry!" The baby continues rejecting her. She tries again, very angry this time, "I'm definitely going to give it all to the man at the back if you don't behave!" This goes on a few more times. Suddenly she hears a voice from the back of the bus - "Lady will you please make up your mind? I was supposed to get off 5 stops ago."
Tableware Puns
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
A Cannibal For Tea
Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch, sipping their tea. Then one asked the other: "Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?" "Yes, that's right." "So how are things between you right now?" "Well... right now..." The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea. "Right now I'm letting him stew..."
Funny Aging Quotes
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Toilet Puns
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
The Barman and the Jackass
I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in. The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down. Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer. A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.” After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.” The man paid and started to get up. I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?” The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh… Hee.. Haw.. Hee.. Haw.. Hee.. Halways calls me that.”
Gorilla Puns
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Zombie Puns
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.