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John Jokes

Crow Puns
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
Funny Health Quotes
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Marriage Puns
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month.
Funny Work Quotes
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Their 40th Anniversary
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah..." she shrugs. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "I want a divorce." answers Mary. "Sorry," sighed John, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Funny Animal Quotes
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."

- John Steinbeck.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”

- John Steinbeck.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”

- John Lyon.
Funny Money Quotes
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
The Angry Cop and the Angry Wife
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John was a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" "Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk!"
Funny Parenting Quotes
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.
Garden Quotes
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
What’s Your Name, Sailor?
A crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face in his unit and barked at him immediately. “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’" He gave him a threatening glare honed by years of experience. "Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?” The seaman sighed. “Darling, my name is John Darling, Master Chief.” “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do...”
Strawberry Puns
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Food Quotes
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters