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Jerry Jokes

Garden Quotes
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Parenting Quotes
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.
Funny Aging Quotes
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Funny Animal Quotes
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

- Jerry Seinfeld.
One Liners and Short Jokes
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Funny Money Quotes
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Flower Puns
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Mouse Puns
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Movie Pick Up Lines
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Funny Marriage Quotes
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld