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Earth Jokes

What Did You Do on Earth?
Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company. When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?" The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in." St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her "You may go in." St. Peter asked the third man, "What did you do?" The man raised his head and replied, "I ran a large insurance company." "You may go in..." said St. Peter. The man happily walks forward when St. Peter adds: "for 3 days."
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Pea Puns
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
A Volunteer to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and they could never return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “You convince them I'm the best candidate. I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
Mushroom Puns
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Weather Pick Up Lines
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
Flamingo Puns
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Haggling With St. Peter
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Space Pick Up Lines
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
Monster Puns
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Family Puns
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Funny Work Quotes
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Funny Animal Poems That Rhyme
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Gnome Puns
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Flower Pick Up Lines
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
Ancient Greek Monster Puns
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
Elvis Pick Up Lines
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Movie Pick Up Lines
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.