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Doctors Jokes

Cosmetics Puns
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Jokes For Women
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Onion Puns
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
10 Hilarious Murphy's Laws
Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favorite! Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.
Nurse Puns
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Toilet Paper Puns
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Deer Puns
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Vaccine Puns
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Witch Puns
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Funny Break Up Lines
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I Suppose There's a Problem
A man goes to the doctor, who diagnoses him as having hemorrhoids. . The doctor prescribes him a suppository and tells him to use up to two daily as needed until the problem subsides. The man has never used a suppository before and uses it like he would any other pill: he swallows them. They are a bit big, but he manages. A few weeks later, the man calls the doctor and asks for a refill. The doctor is surprised and asks, "Ran out? What are you doing with them? Eating them!?" The man answers sarcastically, "No Doc., I'm sticking them up my arse."
Ear Puns
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Blood Puns
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Funny Health Quotes
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Dad Puns
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Sibling Puns
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.