Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I love you so fairy much.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Don't fork-get your manners.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.