An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!