My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.