My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”